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The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. Apparently, this is one pretty sharp boss! When everyone gathered, the boss who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The Theme: Viagra advertising slogans… The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.

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Astronauts? Cosmonauts? Negronauts? How shall we call them? Since recently, the Democratic Republic of Congo has its own space program, or at least, that’s what they call it. A couple of months ago, Congo launched the “Troposphère V”, the third rocket that should have gone into the orbit. The rocket is higher, heavier and more powerful than all its predecessors, and it should be going up to 36 kilometers into space at the speed of Mach 3, which is three times the speed of sound.

They also launched the first Congolese living creature, a rat. At least, that was the intention. How it all worked out in practise can be seen in the clip below here… The rocket didn’t go off into the right direction, but they really considered it a “giant leap in their technology”…

It must be said, the Congolese people remain very, very optimistic!

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It is the month of June, somewhere at the Portuguese coast. A small town sits next to the shores of the Atlantic Ocean. The weather has not been that excellent, and the small town looks totally deserted. These are tough times, everybody is in debt, and everybody is living on credit.

Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town. He enters the only hotel, lays a 100 euro bill on the reception counter, and goes to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one for the night. The hotel owner takes the 100 euro bill and runs to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the 100 euro bill, and runs to pay his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the 100 euro bill, and runs to pay his debt to the supplier of his feed and fuel.

The supplier of feed and fuel takes the 100 euro bill and runs to pay his debt to the town’s prostitute that in these hard times of economic crisis, gave her “services” on credit.

The hooker runs to the hotel with the 100 euro bill and pays off her debt to the hotel owner for the rooms that she rented when she took her clients over there.

The hotel owner then lays the 100 euro bill back on the counter, so that the rich tourist will not suspect anything.

At that moment, the rich tourist comes down after inspecting the rooms saying that he did not like any one of them, he takes the 100 euro bill and leaves town.

Nobody earned anything.

However, the whole town is now without debt, and looks to the future with a lot of optimism.

Somehow, that is exactly how the European Governments are doing business today.

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A couple of years ago, I saw these clips for the very first time.

Somehow, earlier this morning, they came back into my mailbox, and I enjoyed watching them again.

Some things just don’t turn out to be what you think they are going to be when you first see them.

I hope they’ll put a smile on your face as well.

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It happened earlier today, around lunchtime. I had just parked my car on the carpark of the Faro Shopping Center, when I received a phonecall from one of my suppliers of safes. While talking on the phone, still sitting in my car, I noticed a middle aged man, sitting in his big Mercedes, reading his journal. All of a sudden, his wife showed up with a shopping cart full of stuff. The man didn’t even bother to get out of his car to help his wife load the groceries and other things into the trunk of his car. The only help he offered was pushing a button somewhere on the dashboard of his car, opening the trunk automatically. When all the goods were inside the car, he got out of it, and walked together with his wife back into the shopping mall. As soon as I finished my phonecall, I went to the restaurants area, and saw the couple again. His wife was bringing two trays with food to the table where this man had sat down. Watching this whole scene, I couldn’t help but thinking of an e-mail I received a couple of days ago from a very special friend of mine. Here it goes…

Subject: As Women Get Older

Dear Friends,

It’s important for us men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you begin to notice this, try not to yell at them.  Some are oversensitive, and there’s nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

Let me tell you how I handled the situation with my wife, Amy.

When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Amy to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age.

I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner.  I don’t yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table.

I generally have lunch in the Men’s Grill at the club, so eating out is not a practicable alternative. Besides, I’m ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating.  But now it’s not unusual for the dishes to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.  I do what I can, by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that ‘they won’t clean themselves.’ I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging, I think, is complaining. For example, she’ll say that it’s difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys… we take’em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won’t have to rush so much.

I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn’t hurt her (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my stronger points.

And when doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. For instance, she had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard.  I try not to make a scene. I’m a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for awhile. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me. I know, I know…. I probably look like a saint by the way I support Amy.

I’m not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult.  Some will find it impossible and nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.

However guys, even if you just start using a little more tact and a little less criticism of your aging wife due to this article, I’ll consider that by writing it, it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other. Good luck.

Signed,

Bill

EDITOR’S NOTE:

Bill died suddenly on April 15 of a perforated rectum.

The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip left showing, and a sledgehammer laying nearby.

His wife Amy was arrested and charged with murder.

The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty. They accepted her defense that Bill, somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

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Yesterday I came back to Belgium. Flying Ryanair, the low cost airline that is ALWAYS on time. I’ve taken hundreds of planes in my life, of which many from Ryanair. I must admit, the Ryanair flights are ALWAYS on time. I can only remember one flight that was delayed. Having started with one plane many years ago, they have become one of the major players on the European market nowadays. So, thanks to companies like Ryanair, Europe has become a village. The world as well obviously.

Anyway, I am having a busy schedule while being over here. Today I need to see some business associates, and will do the same things on Monday and Tuesday. Yesterday, my parents were celibrating their 50th wedding anniversary and are organising a big family party, and being their eldest and most beautiful son, I must attend that party of course!

And on Sunday, it’s cycling day! The “Ronde van Vlaanderen” - Tour of Flanders, a cycle race for professionals is being organised. If you are not from this part of the world, you will not be able to understand the popularity of this race. What the Superbowl is for the Americans, the “Ronde van Vlaanderen” is for Belgians. I am already looking forward to this year’s race.

A couple of days ago, I found the clip below through one of my Belgian friends. It put a smile of my face, so I hope you will enjoy it as much as I did when I saw it for the very first time, despite the fact that it is an “oldie”.

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Make love, not war. It used to be a worldwide slogan, with a lot of truth in it. Unfortunately, I guess the world leaders don’t like to make love. Otherwise there would be less war on this globe. A couple of minutes ago, I received the clip below from a friend of mine in Belgium. I watched it, and I liked it. Rodney Carrington, an American stand-up comedian performing live at the Majestic in Dallas, Texas somewhere last year. He’s trying to save the world through a song with a great text. I think all the world leaders should go and see his show. Enjoy.

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Earlier today, I was passing a bakery and bought a couple of sandwiches. I only had to pay 3,58 euros. I gave the girl behind the counter a bill of five euros, together with 58 eurocent in coins. The young girl took the money, and was looking with big eyes of astonishment to the cash machine, obviously not knowing what to do. In my best Portuguese, I tried to explain her that she had to give me back two euros. She still didn’t understand anything, so she called the manager. This woman as well told her what to do, but she still didn’t understand it. She almost began crying. I guess the modern way of learning mathematics has made a dramatically evolution over the past decades.

Let me try to explain what I mean by giving you an example of a test in a mathematics examination during the past years:

One question to answer in the sixties:

The owner of the local bakery makes a total turnover of € 100,00 at the end of the day. The cost of production is 4/5 of the total turnover. How much money does the baker have as a profit?

The same question to answer in the seventies:

The owner of the local bakery makes a total turnover of € 100,00 at the end of the day. The cost of production is 4/5, or € 80,00 of the total turnover. How much money does the baker have as a profit?

The same question to answer in the eighties:

The owner of the local bakery makes a total turnover of € 100,00 at the end of the day. The cost of production is € 80,00 of the total turnover. How much money does the baker have as a profit?

The same question to answer in the nineties:

The owner of the local bakery makes a total turnover of € 100,00 at the end of the day. The cost of production is 4/5, or € 80,00 of the total turnover. How much money does the baker have as a profit? Please choose the right answer between following options:

(o) € 20,00

(o) € 40,00

(o) € 60,00

(o) € 80,00

(o) € 100,00

The same question to answer in the year 2000:

The owner of the local bakery makes a total turnover of € 100,00 at the end of the day. The cost of production is 4/5, or € 80,00 of the total turnover. The profit he makes is € 20,00. Is this answer

(o) right?

(o) wrong?

The same question to answer in the year 2008/2009:

The owner of the local bakery makes a total turnover of € 100,00 at the end of the day. The cost of production is 4/5, or € 80,00 of the total turnover. How much money does the baker have as a profit? If you know how to read, please put a cross at (o) 20,00.

(o) 20,00

(o) 40,00

(o) 60,00

(o) 80,00

(o) 100,00

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Because from time to time, it’s good for the health to laugh a little bit, here’s what I received earlier today. Reading this text put an early Sunday-morning-smile on my face. I hope it’ll put a smile on your face as well, when you read this…

A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again.

She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED:

MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70’s),

MUST NOT BEAT ME,

MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME &

MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!

ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.

The old woman said, ‘You’re not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you…you have no legs!

The old man smiled, ‘Therefore, I cannot run around on you!’

She snorted. ‘You don’t have any arms either! ‘

Again, the old man smiled, ‘Therefore, I can never beat you!’

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, ‘Are you still good in bed?’

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile, and said, ‘Rang the doorbell didn’t I?’

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I’ve been told this is a true story. On a recent weekend in Atlantic City, a woman won a bucketful of quarters at a slot machine. She took a break from the slots for dinner with her husband in the hotel dining room. But first she wanted to stash the quarters in her room. “I’ll be right back and we’ll go to eat” she told her husband, and carried the coin-loaden bucket to the elevator. As she was about to walk into the elevator, she noticed two men already aboard.

Both were black. One of them was very tall and had an intimidating figure. The woman froze. Her first thought was: “These two men are going to rob me!” Her next thought was: “Don’t be a bigot, they look perfectly nice gentlemen.” But racial stereotypes are powerful, and her fear immobilized her. Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the elevator doors as they closed.

A second passed, and then another second, and then another. Her fear increased. The elevator didn’t move. Panic consumed her. “My God” she thought, “I am trapped and about to be robbed!” Her heart plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore.

Then one of the men said: “Hit the floor.”

Instinct told her to do what they told her. The bucket of quarters flew upwards as she threw out her arms and collapsed on the elevator floor. A shower of coins rained down on her. “Take my money and spare me”, she prayed. More seconds passed.

She heard one of the men say politely: “Ma’am, if you’ll just tell us what floor you’re going to, we’ll push the button.” The one who said it had a little trouble getting the words out. He was trying mightily to hold in a belly laugh. The woman lifted her head and looked up at the two men.

They reached down to help her up. Confused, she struggled to her feet. “When I told my friend here to hit the floor,” said the average sized one, “I meant that he should hit the elevator button for our floor. I didn’t mean for you to hit the floor ma’am.” He spoke genially. He bit his lip. It was obvious he was having a hard time not laughing.

The woman thought: “My God, what a spectacle I’ve made of myself.” She was too humiliated to speak. The three of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her bucket. When the elevator arrived at her floor, they then insisted on walking her to her room.

She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid she might not make it down the corridor. At her door they bid her a good evening. As she slipped into her room, she could hear them roaring with laughter as they walked back to the elevator. The woman brushed herself off. She pulled herself together and went downstairs for dinner with her husband.

The next morning flowers were delivered to her room: a dozen roses. Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred dollar bill. The card said: “Thanks for the best laugh we’ve had in years”.

It was signed: Eddie Murphy & Michael Jordan.

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